


Broken Clockwork

by piikanana



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 12:29:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/698246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piikanana/pseuds/piikanana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Myungsoo is sick and tired of his continuous and tiring schedules and wishes he no longer needs to deal with the life of an idol. But he realizes a little too late that he should be careful of what he wishes for as he wakes up ten years into the future, and Infinite is no longer together...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

All the bones in Myungsoo’s body ache as he pulls himself out of the car and into the building of their dorm. It had been a full day of filming and schedules, and he thinks he’s only slept for two hours for past three days. He can hardly keep his eyes open. Fans outside shove presents at him, and he mumbles thanks to them as he gratefully accepts the packages.

 

“Myungsoo!” He hears the chirpy voice of Sungyeol as soon as he enters through the door. “The managers want us to go to the practice room tonight. They want us to start preparing for our comeback.”

 

Sungyeol flinches as Myungsoo slams the door in his face. He collapses on the bed, and wonders why he thinks he wanted this lifestyle. Sure, the popularity and fame was nice, but was it worth it being this tired all the time?

 

Myungsoo doesn’t get up when he hears the soft knocking on his door. The door creaks open, and a ray of light floods in as Sunggyu pokes his head in.

 

“Myungsoo-ah. Can I come in?”

“Yes.”

 

Sunggyu carefully closes the door behind him, and comes and sits on the bed.

 

“Are you okay?”

“Hyung, I’m just tired. I had two hours of sleep these past three days.”

“I know, I know. But our comeback is soon. I promise we won’t work you hard. At least go and look at Hoya’s moves so that you can catch up easily later on. This practice isn’t an option...”

 

Sunggyu leans over and gently places a kiss on Myungsoo’s forehead.

 

“Take a nap. I’ll come and get you when you need to go.”

 

Myungsoo doesn’t make a sound as Sunggyu leaves the room. He feels like crying – the managers did nothing to reduce the amount of schedules he had, and now they have an impending comeback. It wasn’t fair that he was the only one who had to do everything.

 

He stares at the ceiling and wishes that he is no longer an idol. Although he loves Infinite, he doesn’t think he’d be able to survive. He wishes that no longer has to deal with these schedules.

 

As his eyes shut and sleep overtakes him, he wishes that he is ten years in the future when he no longer has to attend countless photo shoots and prepare for comeback stages one after another.

 

One of the packages that a fan gave him starts to glow in the corner of the room.

 

  
\---

As his eyes flutter open, Myungsoo’s first thought is that the boys moved him to the practice room when he was sleeping. The ceiling is not the one in his room, and everything seems brighter and…white.

 

“He’s awake!”

 

He tries to get up, but his body still aches. He groans and suddenly hands appear out of nowhere to fuss over him.

 

“Guys, I’m just tired. It’s not like I’m disabled…” Myungsoo’s voice trails off as he sees the face of a stranger peering at him. The stranger helps Myungsoo lean against the wall behind him. He takes in his surroundings and realizes that he’s in a hospital, his eyes widening in surprise.

 

“Hi, L-sshi. I’m Dr. Lee. Do you know remember what happened?”

“No…all I remember is being in my room – where are the others? Sunggyu-hyung?”

 

The nurses exchange worried looks, and the doctor frowns.

 

“L-sshi, what year is it?”  
“It’s 2012…isn’t it?”

 

The doctor sighs and sits down on the bed.

 

“L-sshi, you were in a car accident on your way home from filming. I think your head may have been injured and you might have lost some of your memories. The year is 2022.”

 

Myungsoo stares at the doctor in disbelief. 2022? He forgot 10 years of his life? It seemed surreal, and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to talk to the members about what has been going on. He pales suddenly as he remembers that he was in a car crash – were the others filming with him? He grabs the hand of the doctor.

 

“Where are the others? Are they okay? Were they in the car with me?”

“You were the only one in the car at the time.”

“Oh thank god the members are okay. Where are they now? They must be so worried…”

 

The doctor clears his voice, and stands up. He looks at Myungsoo sadly but doesn’t say a word. A nurse from the side murmurs something that Myungsoo barely manages to hear:

  
“Oh the poor child still thinks Infinite is together…”

 

Myungsoo faints.

 

\---

When he regains consciousness again, his face is wet from all the tears. He doesn’t understand what is happening anymore. He sees a man sleeping by his bedside, and for a second he thinks that it was all a dream, that Woohyun is by his side. But when he reaches out to wake the man, he realizes that it isn’t Woohyun.

 

“L! Thank god you’re awake.”

“…who are you?”

 

The man stares in shock at Myungsoo for a second, but then he smiles again. Myungsoo narrows his eyes, and wonders how he could’ve mistaken this man for Woohyun. They look nothing alike, but there is a slight resemblance from the side profile. He shakes the thoughts from his head, and turns to the man, waiting for an introduction.

 

“I’m your manager, Kang Soonjin. The doctor warned me that you would have issues with your memory…I’m so sorry that this happened L. The driver should’ve been more careful – I already fired him.”

“Why did you fire him? I doubt he crashed on purpose. Is he hurt?”

 

Soonjin frowns at him slightly.

 

“He had some external injuries. I fired him because he hurt you…”

“Don’t fire him. I’m sure he’ll be more careful next time.”

“Uh…okay.”

 

Myungsoo rubs his head slightly. He needs to find out what happened to Infinite. And he needs to talk to Sunggyu – Sunggyu would know what to do.

 

“Hyung. I want to go home.”


	2. Chapter 2

_The waves lap gently at Myungsoo’s feet as he smiles at how much fun the other members are having. Dongwoo is acting like the fool he is by running around and splashing water all over Howon and Woohyun, and they start a water fight. Sungjong and Sungyeol are trying to outswim each other._

 

_Myungsoo wants to capture this in his memory forever. He feels a poke from behind him and he turns around to see Sunggyu._

 

_“Myungsoo-ah, why aren’t you having fun?”_

_“I’m trying to remember this forever.”_

_“This? Why?”_

_“Because it’s perfect…being here, like this, with everyone.”_

 

_Sunggyu becomes a little teary-eyed and punches Myungsoo lightly._

 

_“Yah. We’ll be together. Forever. You know that. No matter what happens, we’ll always have each other.”_

 

_Myungsoo pulls Sunggyu into a hug despite the leader’s protests._

 

\---

 

When Myungsoo wakes up, he is a little disorientated. As he stares at the white ceiling above him, the bizarre memories come flooding back to him. He groans as he tries to sit up, and reaches for a cup of water.

 

_It’s all a bad dream. Any moment now, the members will come rushing in to check on me._

 

Myungsoo tries to convince himself it was all a bad dream. It couldn’t possibly be 2022. And Infinite couldn’t possibly have been disbanded. Plus, the members had all talked about it. In the hypothetical situation that they break up, they had all promised each other that they would still keep in touch. If Myungsoo had an accident, they would all drop whatever they were doing to come and check on him. Myungsoo was certain of the bonds between the seven of them.

 

When the door opens, he expects to see the worried face of Sunggyu. Or the swollen eyes of Woohyun, Dongwoo or Sungjong – those three had always been crybabies. Or the nonchalant faces of Sungyeol or Howon, who like to pretend that they don’t care when deep down they do. Instead, Myungsoo sees Soonjin, his manager in the year of 2022.

 

“I just talked to the hospital staff. They want to do one last scan before they allow you to go home.”

“Okay, sure.”

 

Myungsoo feels like crying. Nothing makes sense, and he doesn’t even know what to do. So what he does is follow Soonjin to get his head checked.

 

\---

 

The doctors had told them that there was nothing abnormal. Apparently the car crash had caused mild swelling in a certain part of Myungsoo’s brain, but other than that everything was normal. However, the retrograde amnesia wasn’t normal. The doctors assured both Myungsoo and Soonjin that it wasn’t unheard of for patients to lose some memories when they suffered from a head injury.

 

But Myungsoo wonders if it is “normal” to lose  _ten_  full years of his life.

 

As he sits in his bedroom, Myungsoo stares into the mirror opposite him. He has aged, and it shows. There was no denying that ten years has passed since he last looked at his own reflection.

 

_Why can’t I remember anything?_

 

Myungsoo presses his hands against his head, and lets a few tears fall. He had looked through his phone, and there hadn’t been any contact information for any of the members. Instead, he sees a list of names of people that he’s only heard of, but never met.

 

He feels as though he’s been thrown into a life that isn’t his own. Nothing made any sense, and it was the furthest thing from what Myungsoo had envisioned his life in 2022 to be like.

 

He suddenly spots a laptop in the corner of the room, and he jumps up to open it. He thinks that there may be some answers – after all, he’s an idol and there are bound to have been reports on the disbandment. Myungsoo takes a deep breath as he enters the word “Infinite” into the search engine. He wonders if he’s ready to read about how something that he thought would last forever ended up in pieces. His hand is shaking when he finally clicks the link.

 

Myungsoo stares at the words in shock.

 

“…due to differences and conflicting interests” jumps out at him. He frowns and wonders what interests could possibly differ from maintaining the seven. They were Infinite, supposed to last forever. How did it come to this?

 

He spots a link to the video of the press conference, and he clicks it, hoping for some more answers. He sees the seven of them sitting at a desk. To outsiders, they all seem content and indifferent, but Myungsoo can detect the strained undertones. Reporters bomb them with questions, and Sunggyu does his best to answer all of them without giving away what the root of the problem is.

 

“Why are you disbanding so soon?”

“There has been…conflicting interests between the members. Not all of us are interested in pursuing a career in music. Some of us want to further ourselves in acting and hosting on variety shows. Some of us want to explore genres of music that we are unable to explore as Infinite.” Myungsoo’s heart breaks as he sees the sadness in Sunggyu’s eyes. There’s a pang in his chest as he sees Sunggyu take a deep breath, and Dongwoo squeezes Sunggyu’s arm to reassure him before he continues speaking. “As a group, I feel that all of us have pushed ourselves to the limit, and we have outgrown Infinite. We have all come to the agreement to disband, and I hope that all of you, as well as all of inspirit, bless us and support us in our future endeavors.”

 

Myungsoo closes the window. He can’t bear to listen to any more of the bullshit that Sunggyu was spewing out. He needed to talk to the leader badly, but he doesn’t know how. He scrolls down the page to find out what all the members are doing now in the future.

 

He’s an extremely successful actor. Myungsoo had already guessed based on the list of actors, actresses, scriptwriters and directors that he found in his phone. It was interesting to see a list of films and dramas he’s acted in, but remembers nothing about. He makes a mental note to check out some of his works later after he sorts out what’s going on.

 

Woohyun and Sungyeol are both in variety now. Both of them are extremely popular MCs for shows that Myungsoo hasn’t even heard of. He frowns as he sees that the two of them are hosts for some of the same shows, and wonders why they’re still in contact with each other, but not with him.

 

Howon and Dongwoo went to form a hip-hop duo. They had released some good tracks, and there’s a stab of jealousy as Myungsoo notices that both Woohyun and Sunggyu feature on some of their CDs.  _Why wouldn’t they ask me to record anything?_   _Is it because I’m not good enough as a vocalist? The least they could do was ask me to feature in their music videos…_

 

Sungjong is a model. Myungsoo gapes at how grown up their beloved maknae looks, but he sees why he is so successful as a model and fashion icon. He acts in a few dramas from time to time, but he’s noted as the nation’s fashionista.

 

And lastly, Myungsoo looks for news on what Sunggyu is doing. The website states that he has a few solo projects on the side as well as a rock band that can be found playing in the Hongdae area from time to time. He has also composed a few songs that have become hit songs for the newest idol groups. Myungsoo is glad that he’s doing well – but then again, he never expected anything less. After all, Sunggyu had always been the one who had the most potential going solo.

 

There’s a bittersweet taste in Myungsoo’s mouth. He’s glad that all of them are successful in their individual projects, but at the same time he can’t help but feel a little hurt to know that all of the others are still in touch whereas he has no contact with any of them at all.

 

Myungsoo checks the performance times of Sunggyu’s band, and realizes that they are playing tonight. He goes towards his wardrobe to pick out something casual to wear to Hongdae. He  _needs_  to find out what really happened between all of them ten years ago.

 

\---

 

Myungsoo is wearing black. He was relieved to see that at least half of his wardrobe comprised of the color – at least he knows that no matter how many years pass, some things never change. As he stands among the crowd waiting for Sunggyu to appear, he blends in perfectly with the leather jacket and dark jeans.

 

Suddenly high-pitched screams fill the place, and Myungsoo looks up to see Sunggyu walk across the stage. His hyung had aged handsomely and was as charismatic as ever. Regret washes over him –  _why weren’t we growing old together?_  – but he quickly stops thinking and his jaw drops open as the band starts to perform. He feels his heartbeat speed up as he takes in the eyeliner, the skinny jeans, the way he positions himself at the mic stand and the hair that looks like he’s just had sex. The combination of it all leaves Myungsoo with his jaw open in admiration. But it wasn’t until he realized that Sunggyu is looking at him with a slight frown on his face that Myungsoo’s legs go weak. Somehow Sunggyu had spotted him among the crowd, and soon it seemed to be only the two of them in that room.

 

 The music starts playing, and Myungsoo realizes this is Sunggyu’s forte. He had always been an avid fan of Nell and rock music as a whole, and Myungsoo can tell that their leader is enjoying what he’s doing. The thought that maybe disbanding was better for all of them flitters across his mind, but he shakes the thought away immediately. Nothing was better than the seven together. He stops thinking and instead focuses on Sunggyu’s performance, which he thought was flawless in every way.

 

\---

 

After Sunggyu’s band had finished playing, Myungsoo tried to make his way through the crowd towards the backstage. He feels a sudden tug on his hand, and he looks into the face of Sunggyu in surprise. Although he’s wearing a hat and a facemask, Myungsoo easily recognizes him under the dim lighting. Sunggyu pulls Myungsoo out of the room, and leads him towards a small café that is closeby.

 

Neither of them says a word until they’re sitting across from each other.

 

Sunggyu is studying Myungsoo’s face carefully, and Myungsoo squirms a bit under his gaze.

 

“Why are you here, L-sshi?”

 

Myungsoo stiffens at the formality, and it doesn’t escape his notice that Sunggyu has used his stage-name as opposed to his real name. He feels tears start to well up but he forces himself push them back down.

 

“I…was in a car crash.”

 

He sees Sunggyu soften slightly and concern is painted on his face, but he keeps quiet and waits for Myungsoo to continue. Myungsoo can’t keep the tears in anymore.

 

“I lost my memory. The past ten years are gone…”

 

Sunggyu looks shocked and his eyes widen.

“Ten years? Jesus Christ, that’s…I don’t know what to say.”

 

“I…remember the seven of us still together. I need answers. I don’t know what happened. It’s all a bad dream. It’s a complete nightmare. I searched up what happened, but I know what you said at the press conference is a load of bullshit. And you called me L-sshi...why aren’t you calling me Myungsoo? Why are the six of you still friends and in contact with each other, but I have none of your numbers?”

 

Myungsoo breaks down in tears, and Sunggyu gets up from his seat to sit next to him. He places his hands on either side of Myungsoo’s head, and forces Myungsoo to make eye contact with him.

 

“Shh. Calm down. You’re extremely high-profile right now, you  _cannot_  have a panic attack in the middle of a public place.” Myungsoo chokes back a sob as he stares into the eyes of Sunggyu. The hands on either side of his head are gentle.

 

“Gyu-hyung, I need you to help me. Please. I don’t think I can do this alone.” Myungsoo leans against Sunggyu’s shoulder as the hands that were stroking his hair fall back.  _This feels like home_ , Myungsoo thinks.  _This feels…right._

 

Sunggyu keeps quiet for a second, but he quietly murmurs the words that Myungsoo desperately doesn’t want to hear.

“I…don’t think I can help you.” Myungsoo feels every cell in his body freeze, and he wants to get away from the coffee shop, away from Sunggyu, so he can be miserable and cry his heart out. But Sunggyu’s next words stop him from pulling himself out of Sunggyu’s embrace and running away.

 

“But I’ll explain what happened to help you piece that particular puzzle together. Not tonight though, Myungsoo-ah. I think you’ve been through enough already.”

 

Myungsoo’s heart soars as he hears the sound of his real name from Sunggyu’s lips, and hope floods through him.


	3. Chapter 3

_When Myungsoo wakes up, he hears a loud commotion. He hears Woohyun start laughing like a maniac, and Dongwoo is running around with glee. He rubs his eyes as he walks into Sungyeol in the kitchen._

 

_“What’s going on?”_

_“Leader made a new twitter! And his username is kyuzizi, so Dongwoo hyung’s super happy.”_

 

_Myungsoo grins and runs into Sunggyu’s room. Woohyun is trying to take a photo of Sunggyu for the “proof” that his twitter account is actually his. Howon is in the corner trying to turn his laptop on so he can tweet at the leader. Myungsoo pokes Sunggyu while he tries to upload it up. The leader looks up and grins at Myungsoo, and the smile is almost blinding._

 

_“Ya Kim Myungsoo! I made a new twitter! Write me a message!”_

 

_Myungsoo laughs and sticks his tongue out at Sunggyu as he shakes his head. Sunggyu pouts._

 

_“You’re no longer part of Gyu-line then! I refuse to talk to you.” Sunggyu starts to sulk, and even though Myungsoo pokes him repeatedly, he ignores Myungsoo._

 

_“Fine fine Gyu-hyung, I’ll write a message to you!” He takes his phone out and quickly writes a short message._

 

_As Sunggyu receives the notification that he has a new mention, his eyes lighten up and he looks at Myunggyu excitedly. Myungsoo can’t help but hug his hyung._

 

\---

 

Myungsoo stares at the door in front of him and takes a deep breath. He rings the doorbell and waits patiently, rubbing his sweaty hands on his jeans.

 

One heartbeat. Two.

 

The door finally opens, and Myungsoo finds himself standing in front of Sunggyu. Sunggyu sees him and starts to laugh.

 

“Hi hyung...er, what’s so funny?”

“You’re wearing a plaid shirt.”

 

Myungsoo frowns in confusion as Sunggyu wipes a tear from his eye. He looks down at his outfit, but he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it – after all, it’s what he’s always worn, and he’s pretty sure Sunggyu has never had such a reaction before. As Sunggyu calms down, he grins at Myungsoo and welcomes him into his apartment.

 

The walls are covered in photos and posters of musicians. Some are signed, but there are a few that aren’t autographed. As Myungsoo stares at all the walls in amazement, Sunggyu coughs and walks into the kitchen as Myungsoo approaches the last wall. And then he realizes that this is a whole wall dedicated to Infinite. Photos and posters of all seven of them, ranging from predebut to their She’s Back days in Japan are present, as well as photos that Myungsoo doesn’t recognize. There are several photos of him on the wall that he doesn’t remember taking, and he wonders if these are photos from the past 10 years. A photo catches his eye, and he realizes it must have been a very recent photo – all six of them are standing in Sunggyu’s living room and posing happily.

 

“We took that photo a few months ago.”

 

Myungsoo studies the older versions of the other members, and unconsciously frowns at the fact that they’ve all met up without him.

 

“Where was I?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Tell me. I have all the time in the world.”

 

Sunggyu hands him a cup of coffee, and gestures towards the sofa. Myungsoo sits down and waits for Sunggyu to start his story.

 

“How much do you actually remember? What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I was really tired in my room. I think I might have yelled at Yeol. And then you came in to tell me to go to practice for a comeback. And I didn’t want to. You kissed me on the forehead and told me I could rest for a while. And then everything else after that is blank.”

 

Myungsoo bites his lip to stop himself from breaking down again. He needed to know what had happened before he could allow himself to have a panic attack. He watches as Sunggyu takes a deep breath.

 

“It’s interesting that that’s the last thing you remember…because that’s right before the beginning of the disbandment.”

 

Myungsoo stares at the cup of coffee in his hands and wills himself to sit there and listen to Sunggyu.

 

“I came in to wake you up after your nap, but you were up already with red swollen eyes. You looked at me and told me you couldn’t go on as an idol anymore. You couldn’t stand the schedules – all you wanted to do was act. You refused to go to practice even though I begged and pleaded with you. You seemed to want to stand by your decision. The next day, the CEO called us into his office, and you were already there with Hyoan. Apparently you had given Woolim an ultimatum – either they release you from your contract with Infinite and allow you to act, or you were going to leave the company and give Infinite a lot of bad publicity. The CEO wanted to discuss with me whether or not we wanted to keep Infinite as a 6 member group. I said no.”

 

Sunggyu pauses as some of the words become lodged in his throat. Myungsoo’s head begins to hurt.

 

“What happened afterwards? Why weren’t we in touch?”  
“You…became cold and distant. It was like L, that persona you have on-stage, became you even when the spotlight wasn’t on. The other members were hurt but you hit back at them with cold remarks and indifference…and they resented you for breaking Infinite up. They resented me as well for not wanting to continue without you.”

“Why didn’t you continue without me?”

 

The question makes Sunggyu freeze for a while. For a second, Myungsoo feels apologetic for making Sunggyu relive the terrible times that he apparently had caused.

 

“It wouldn’t have been right, wouldn’t have been complete. We started off as seven – it would only be right if we ended it as seven.”

 

Both of them stay quiet for a while. Myungsoo decides to ask another question that has been bothering them.

 

“So they hated both of us. What happened then? Why did they start talking to you and not me?”

“Do you think L-sshi would have tried to patch things up with them the way I did?”

 

Myungsoo flinches at the unfamiliar, bitter tone in Sunggyu’s words. Sunggyu seems to realize how harsh his words sounded and he puts a hand on Myungsoo’s shoulder.

  
“Look. I understand that you were under a lot of stress with both acting and your career as an idol. You couldn’t accept scripts you wanted to, and when you did, the life as an idol also pushed you to your limits. I had been meaning to ask the CEO to push back our comeback for you, but you had already decided to leave. It’s not your fault Myungsoo. It really isn’t. It took a while for the others to come around to how I think, but by then you were already so cold and indifferent to everything. Some of us sent you text messages and e-mails but we never received any replies. I know you’re hurting right now – but the truth is…you broke our hearts first.”

 

There is a sad resignation in Sunggyu’s voice, and Myungsoo feels his resolve to not cry break. Tears flow from his face as he grabs the nearest pillow and hugs it tightly to his chest. Sunggyu shuffles over and pulls Myungsoo into his embrace. He pats Myungsoo’s head to comfort him as his brain starts to process all the information that Sunggyu has just given him.

 

\---

 

“Sunggyu hyung?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I live here with you for a while?”

 

Myungsoo isn’t sure what had overcome him, but he knows he’d rather stay with Sunggyu than go back to that cold and inhuman apartment of his own. 

 

“Why?”

“I don’t like my apartment. Yours is much nicer. Please?”

 

Myungsoo tries his best to look like a lost puppy dog, and watches as Sunggyu’s face shows mixed emotions.

 

“Hyung...please? I’m traumatized by losing ten years of my life – so far the only place where I’ve felt truly comfortable is here. Plus, you’ve stalked me for so long…maybe looking at those photos will help me jog my memory.”

 

Sunggyu’s sigh lets Myungsoo know he’s won and he throws his arms around Sunggyu. Sunggyu makes a groan of protest at the skinship, but Myungsoo knows that he’s smiling.

 

\---

 

As Myungsoo rolls around on Sunggyu’s spare bed, he suddenly realizes that he essentially knows next to nothing about Sunggyu’s new life.

 

“Hey hyung, are you married?”

“Nope.”

“No kids?”  
“Nope.”

“Why?”

 

Sunggyu shrugs.

“I guess I never met anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with who reciprocated the feeling. Plus, I…don’t like women. Which I think you know. So that’s why I don’t have kids.”

 

Myungsoo feels his heart wrench slightly at Sunggyu’s words. Sunggyu had once felt love for someone else, someone who wasn't Myungsoo.

 

“Well, whoever he is – he’s stupid. You’re awesome. If he broke your heart, then he doesn’t deserve your love.”

 

Sunggyu looks at Myungsoo with a bittersweet expression, and Myungsoo swears he wants to hunt down whoever broke his hyung’s heart and beat them up.

 

“Thank you Myungsoo. I’m glad you think so too.”

 

\---

 

The next few days are spent blissfully. Myungsoo, although still a little worried about the memory loss, starts to think it isn’t so bad if it brought him back to Sunggyu. Although Sunggyu is busy with work and concerts, they spend all their free time together. They watched a few of Myungsoo’s movies – Sunggyu had bought all of them – and it’s fascinating watching himself act when he has no recollection of the lines and the plot.

 

Sunggyu had laughed at how he knew the story better than Myungsoo himself. Myungsoo wonders how many times Sunggyu has watched his movies to know them so well.

 

\---

 

When Myungsoo wakes up a week later, he hears a commotion outside of his room. He rubs his eyes sleepily as the voices start to increase in volume, and he wonders if Sunggyu had his band members over. He presses one ear against the door and listens to the conversations outside.

 

“How could you? After all the shit he put us through?”

 

The voice sounded familiar, but it took Myungsoo a while to recognize it. Howon’s voice. Myungsoo is about to open the door and greet him when other voices make him freeze.

 

“Kim Myungsoo was a selfish jerk – yet you let him back into your life once he has a car crash and loses ten years? Sunggyu-hyung, are you sure you’re not the one who lost his memory? Do you not remember the shit that he’s said to us before?”

 

Woohyun sounds furious and Myungsoo decides not to go out. He wonders what kind of harsh words he’s said before to warrant such a response from the hyungs that used to love him so.

 

“Woohyun-ah, I know it’s hard to understand. But it’s Myungsoo. He’s back. I can’t just say no to him...”

“So you let him back into your house? Did you let him back into your heart again Kim Sunggyu? Are you fucking crazy?”

“You don’t understand! He was crying, he doesn’t remember anything – and he called me Gyu-hyung. I haven’t heard that from him in ten years…”

“Ya Kim Sunggyu, you need help. Just because he acts like how he did before doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of doing what he did before. Don’t you realize that the five of us just want to make sure that you’re okay? We don’t want what happened ten years ago to happen again!”

“Woohyun, stop. I’m sure Sunggyu-hyung has his reasons.” Dongwoo’s voice cuts through Woohyun’s rant. The affection for Sunggyu in Dongwoo’s voice is evident, and Myungsoo feels a stab of jealousy at the fact that the others have remained so close. But he isn’t allowed to feel jealous – after all, he was the one who abandoned them first.

 

In many ways, this is his punishment for separating Infinite in the first place.

 

“Hyung – it’s up to you if you want to keep him here. But I don’t want to see him.” Sungyeol.

“I…miss Myungsoo-hyung, but I don’t think I can forget what he said to me ten years ago that easily.” Maknae Sungjong. Even he didn’t want to see Myungsoo.

“See hyung? None of us want anything to do with L-sshi. Why are you being such an idiot?”

 

Myungsoo wonders how he could’ve possibly thought that things have been sorted out. Now his mistakes from ten years ago are coming back to haunt him.


	4. Chapter 4

_When Myungsoo gets back to the dorm, he sees everyone sprawled out on the living room floor sleeping. Sungjong is cuddling his Gyu Bear, Woohyun is using Sungjong’s belly as a pillow. Dongwoo is just sprawled on the floor, and his arm narrowly misses Howon’s face and is instead placed on Howon’s chest. Sungyeol’s long legs are draped over Howon’s legs. Sunggyu is hugging Myungsoo’s bamboo pillow, clinging onto it._

 

_Sunggyu is sleeping closest to the door, so when Myungsoo walks through, he wakes up. He opens his eyes drowsily and smiles as soon as he realizes that Myungsoo came back. He pats the space next to him, inviting Myungsoo to lie down beside him, before going back to sleep._

 

_Myungsoo takes out his phone and snaps a picture before laying himself down next to Sunggyu. The last thing Myungsoo sees before his eyes close is the small smile on their leader’s face._

 

\---

 

After staring into space for what seemed like an eternity, Myungsoo finally gathered the courage to walk out of his room. The other members had left an hour ago, but Myungsoo felt so guilty that he didn’t want to face Sunggyu yet. Sunggyu, the one who had stood up for him and given him a second chance when the others had condemned him for mistakes he couldn’t even remember.

 

He twists the doorknob and walks out into the living room. Sunggyu is sitting on the sofa with ruffled hair, and Myungsoo guesses that his hands have been going through his hair over and over again. His eyes seem a little red, but Myungsoo is relieved that they show no signs of having had tears.

 

He smiles as he remembers how Sunggyu had never been one to cry. He was always the one who had been the other members’ support system, the backbone of Infinite.

 

“Myungsoo-ah, you’re awake. Do you want something to eat?”

“Hyung…I want to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?”

 

Myungsoo bites his lower lip as he wonders if he’s rushing into things. Then he remembers that he’s left things as they were for ten years already, and that if he waits any longer, nothing will be fixed.

 

“I…want to meet the other members. I want to apologize properly.”

 

Sunggyu sighs and looks at Myungsoo tiredly.

 

“I had a feeling you might’ve overheard. Woohyun can become terribly loud and obnoxious when he gets mad…as you might remember.”

 

Myungsoo smiles slightly at how time doesn’t change certain habits, regardless of how far people drift away from each other. He shrugs at Sunggyu, and refrains from making a comment.

 

Sunggyu pulls out a piece of paper and a pen.

 

“Okay, so getting the other members to forgive you might need some planning. I swear, it’ll be as hard as waging war. Are you sure you’re ready Kim Myungsoo?”

 

Myungsoo thinks about how lucky he is to have Kim Sunggyu on his side.

 

_If only Sunggyu will stay with me, it doesn’t even matter if the other members completely forgive me or not._

 

“I’m ready.”

 

\---

 

Myungsoo stares at the worn-down building, and wonders for the seventh time if this was the right address. Sunggyu had suggested that he talk to Dongwoo and Howon first – he had come to the conclusion that it would be much easier to get these two to actually talk to them. Dongwoo has always been a softhearted person, and Howon has always been very rigid.

 

It had always been fortunate that they came in a pair. Otherwise Myungsoo has no idea how he would be able to sort things out with Howon.

 

He lifts a trembling finger to the buzzer. He had originally pleaded with Sunggyu to go with him, but Sunggyu has shaken his head and said that it was for Myungsoo to do alone. All he can do is support him from the back and fill him in on some details. Myungsoo takes out his phone and quickly sends a text.

 

_I’m going in now. Hyung~ wish me luck!_

 

When the door opens, Myungsoo steps in with a trembling heart.

 

It’s hard trying to fix your mistakes, but it’s even harder fixing mistakes you don’t even remember making.

 

\---

 

Truth be told, Myungsoo has always been a little intimidated by Howon’s stare and poker face. Dongwoo is equally as scary when he puts on his “cool” look and doesn’t smile at all.

 

Myungsoo feels a little like a five-year-old child who has done something wrong. He tries to sit up straight, and look them both in the eyes, but he feels his gaze falter a little bit.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

He flinches at Howon’s abrupt question, and clears his throat slightly. Sunggyu had rehearsed this all with him before, pretending to be Howon and Dongwoo. At the time it had seemed a little ridiculous, but Sunggyu was their leader after all. He knew them all better than he knew himself.

 

“When…I woke up and I didn’t see you guys by my side, I realized how stupid I’ve been. I didn’t remember anything when I woke up, and it was horrifying. 10 years, just gone. And suddenly being told that I not only lost my memories, but you guys too? It…I couldn’t stand it…”

 

Myungsoo actually starts to tear up – but even so, it is an improvement from before. He couldn’t make it past the second sentence before bursting into tears, and Sunggyu had held him close. But he had chastised him later on – if he couldn’t explain himself properly before breaking down, he would find himself on the doorstep after Howon kicks him out. And Dongwoo wouldn't stop Howon at all.

 

The taste of blood fills Myungsoo’s mouth as he bites his lip and closes his eyes to stop himself from crying. His hands shake a little as he relives the experience of waking up and finding out that Infinite had disbanded.

 

Suddenly he feels warmth, and he opens his eyes to see Dongwoo’s hand on his own. Dongwoo looks at him sympathetically.

 

“Myungsoo…we’re so sorry about what happened to you. But things between us…have changed.”

 

Myungsoo nods, not trusting his voice. A silence falls over the three of them. As Sunggyu predicted, Howon doesn’t speak at all when he finds himself weakening. Myungsoo sighs, and decides to try and fix things with the two rappers.

 

“Is there…anything I can do to fix things between us? What have I done before that was so terrible that you can’t even forgive me? Maybe…maybe if you told me, I’d be able to…”

 

Howon scoffs at Myungsoo’s suggestion, and Dongwoo smiles weakly. Howon just stares off at a wall. Dongwoo turns to look at Howon, but the younger of the two just ignores him. Dongwoo shakes his head slightly and looks at Myungsoo again.

 

“How much did you hear from Sunggyu-hyung?”

“Just a little bit…he was reluctant to go into too many details, but I know the gist of it.”

 

Howon mutters something that sounds like “Kim Sunggyu, you stupid fucking idiot,” but Myungsoo isn’t a hundred percent sure. Dongwoo frowns slightly before speaking.

 

“We had all tried individually to talk to you the night you first suggested disbanding. Sungjong went first, then myself, Howon, Woohyun, Sungyeol and then Sunggyu-hyung. All of us came out crying after talking to you with the exception of Sunggyu-hyung. But…Sunggyu’s story is not ours to tell. Howon do you want to explain to Myungsoo what happened?”

 

Howon glares at Dongwoo slightly, and the two share a long gaze that seems to speak volumes, a language Myungsoo can’t understand. Finally Howon seems to relent, but he refuses to meet Myungsoo’s gaze.

 

“I remember walking in, confident that I was going to be able to fix things, that I would be the one who would talk you out of it. But you were just staring me down coolly, as if I was just another reporter at a press conference. You wore that mask of yours. The fans could never tell when it was L or when it was Myungsoo, but we could. And you were talking to me as L, the cool ice-prince who never thought about others. You said some…pretty hurtful words that day, said that people like me were pulling you down and stopping you for reaching the top. I asked if that’s what you felt from the bottom of your heart, and you looked right through me like I wasn’t worth your time, and you replied that it was from the bottom of your heart. I asked how you could say that, believe that and do this to all of us after so long, but you just rolled your eyes at me and told me to get of your room. It was nearly our third anniversary, and the fifth year that we had known each other.”

 

Myungsoo wants to cover his ears, wants to just dissolve into the air and get taken away by the wind. Howon’s eyes are glazed over slightly, and Myungsoo wants to hug him and apologize a million times to ease the feeling of betrayal and hurt that still sting even ten years after it happened. But he knows it’s too soon to initiate any physical contact – Sunggyu had warned him that Howon wouldn’t appreciate it so soon – so he holds himself back.

 

“I’m so so so so sorry.”

“It’s too late for sorry.”

“Let me make it up to you.”

 

Howon finally lifts his head up.

 

“Myungsoo-ah, it’s nice to have you back…but it doesn’t change much. I forgive you for what happened if it makes you feel any better. I don’t know what triggered it exactly, and I’m sorry that it happened. But you’re apologizing to the wrong person. I’m not the one you need to make it up…”

“Howon, enough. Not our place to say it, remember? We promised him.”

“Whatever.”

 

Howon falls quiet again, and Myungsoo wonders what he could possibly mean. Had he offended someone else even more? He shudders to think how much more horrible it could be. A small cough from the side brings his attention back to Dongwoo who meets him with a small smile, but it worries Myungsoo as Dongwoo’s eyes were brimming with sadness.

 

“It’s my turn to tell a story. It’s not about that night though, it was right after we disbanded. It had been a month, and I wondered how you were doing. I asked the other five what was going on in your life, but no one knew. Most of us were all…somewhat preoccupied with another problem of ours, but it had suddenly occurred to me that we didn’t know how you were coping. For us, it was like we lost a limb; we couldn’t even imagine what it would’ve been like to lose six. So I called you time after time after time. But every single time, either it would be redirected, sent to your manager who would make up an excuse about how busy you were or you’d just cut the line completely. So one day, I went to visit your apartment – your mother had given me the address – and I rang the doorbell. But no one came out, so I just sat at your doorstep, waiting for you. At one point, I had fallen asleep, but the next thing I knew, you were standing right next to me, and you had called the guard to take me away. You claimed that I was unwanted, and that you didn’t appreciate having random people outside your apartment.” Dongwoo smiles bitterly at the memory. “I suddenly had turned from beloved hyung to an unwanted random person. It was the last time I tried to find you.”

 

Myungsoo places his head in his hands, and wonders how he could’ve ever been so cruel to Dongwoo. Dongwoo shifts and sits next to Myungsoo and places a hand on his shoulder.

 

“It’s okay Myungsoo. We have all made mistakes before. Sure, you fucked up a lot more than people normally do, but that’s okay. You’re back now. It might take a while, but I’m sure things will work out.”

“I just want to fix things. I want Infinite to be together again as a whole. I want to things to be okay between all of us.”

“That’s impossible. But there is one thing you can do that will make us, Sungyeol, Woohyun and Sungjong forgive you completely.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll have to figure it out.”

“You should see Nam Woohyun last if you’re planning on speaking to all of us though.” Howon suddenly cuts into the conversation. Dongwoo smiles and nods approvingly.

 

Myungsoo feels like he’s on the brink of kneeling down and begging them to tell him what he can do.

 

“What is it?” He is borderline whining. Howon grins at the desperation in Myungsoo’s voice.

 

“But that’ll ruin the game. We’ll forgive you if you do this one thing...without anyone else telling you what it is.”

 

\---

 

Sunggyu stares at Myungsoo bewildered as he recounts what had happened with Howon and Dongwoo earlier that day. He shakes his head and gets up from the sofa and makes his way to the kitchen. He busies himself with food and knives, handling the food flawlessly.

 

Myungsoo stares at Sunggyu in shock as the potatoes are cut evenly into equal pieces effortlessly.

 

“When did you learn all that?”

“Ten years is a long time – the weirdest thing is that sometimes new hobbies develop. Hm. I actually have no idea what Dongwoo and Howon are referring to. I guess you’ll just have to talk to them more to figure all of this out.”

“Mhmm I suppose so.”

“What’s going on with your work?”

 

Myungsoo falls quiet.

 

“I called my manager today – he said that I need to go to visit the President tomorrow.”

“That’s good. You shouldn’t slack off with work just because you lost your memory. Buy some expensive presents and say that you’re sorry for all the trouble you’ve caused.”

 

Sunggyu raises an eyebrow at Myungsoo when he doesn’t reply. Myungsoo stares at Sunggyu with a bewildered expression.

 

“But...how am I supposed to go there when I don’t remember what company I’m with?”


	5. An Interlude

_Sometimes Sunggyu still thinks he’s sleeping and dreaming when he wakes up, walks out of his room and sees Myungsoo sitting on the sofa watching TV. When he comes back home and Myungsoo walks out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. When the name “Kim Myungsoo” flashes across the screen of his phone and he hears Myungsoo’s voice asking him when he’ll come home. In a way, Sunggyu has been wishing, wanting this for so long. So now that he finally has it, it feels like Sunggyu is permanently trapped in his own imagination._

 

_It seems so surreal that Sunggyu never wants to wake up. It seems like everything he’s ever wanted for had been happening, and he’s afraid that it’ll just all be taken away from him at some point, or that he’ll wake up from this dream. He’s starting to think that the life between the two of them will just fade away one day, and leave him alone._

 

_So when Sunggyu wakes up one day in the middle of the night, after a nightmare, he is surprised to find Myungsoo sitting on his bed. He wonders if this is just a continuation of his dream, but he pinches himself and Myungsoo doesn’t disappear._

 

_“Gyu hyung, I heard you mumbling to yourself and I was worried. Do you want me to stay here tonight? Maybe it’ll ease all the nightmares.”_

 

_Sunggyu nods, and leaves out the information that his nightmares have to do with Myungsoo. He smiles as Myungsoo slips under the covers. His eyelids gently flutter and close as he listens to Myungsoo’s soothing voice. Occasionally Sunggyu would mumble a few words in response, but he mostly keeps quiet so that he can listen to Myungsoo talk. Myungsoo talks about everything and anything – from how much he wonders about why he never fixed things to inane things like what his first impression of his new CEO was._

 

_When Sunggyu’s eyelids finally shut, he dreams sweet dreams about ten years ago that has a different outcome. In his dream, Myungsoo doesn’t leave. Myungsoo responds to his desperate confession of love, and tells him seven words that he has always wanted to hear._

 

_“Myungsoo-ah, please. Please don’t do this to us. Don’t do this to Infinite. It hurts me to have you leave us like this. I’m the leader – you can tell me why you need to do this. I’ll help you talk to the CEO, to the manager hyungs, to anyone that can stop your hurt. When you hurt, I hurt. Because I love you. Just don’t do this. I love you. Don’t leave me. I can’t…have you leave me. I don’t know how I’ll go on.”_

 

 

_“I’ll stay, because I love you too.”_

 

 

_When the sun’s rays hit Sunggyu’s eyes, and he wakes up ten years older, the first thing he lays his eyes on is Myungsoo. Sunggyu runs his fingers an inch away from Myungsoo’s face and he tries to memorize every feature. For a minute, he pretends that his dream was the reality, and everything else was a nightmare. Infinite survived and continued for years. All of them are together. Myungsoo loves him back._

 

_But Myungsoo’s suddenly stirs, and Sunggyu forces himself to let go of his dreams. They were the dreams of a love-sick man of twenty-three, not the realistic expectations of a man ten years older who has been hurt time and time again. He forces himself to plaster on a fake smile, and he sits up and shakes Myungsoo gently._

 

_“Myungsoo-ah, it’s time to wake up.”_

_“Hyung~ let me sleep a little longer please.”_

 

_Sunggyu shakes his head as he gets up and pulls on a pair of jeans over his boxers. He heads over to the kitchen to make some coffee. He sits there and stares off into the distance as he wonders if Woohyun was right about him being unable to handle the situation. Maybe he should just kick Myungsoo out of his house, out of his life._

 

_He wonders if his battered heart can take another break. And he decides that it really can’t._

 

_So when Myungsoo comes into the kitchen and gulps his coffee down, Sunggyu smiles slightly and asks him about his own apartment._


	6. Chapter 6

_Sunggyu is about to make a solo debut. Myungsoo is standing in the rain, holding up an umbrella as he tries to convey the emotions that the director tells him to. He stares at the actress, but in reality, he wants to run around to the corner of the fake street and grab Sunggyu’s hands. The leader is absolutely nervous about shedding the title, and appearing on stage without the rest of Infinite. Although the other members have told him that he will be absolutely amazing, Sunggyu isn’t convinced._

 

_Myungsoo shakes his worries about the leader from his head, and concentrates on filming. It’s the only way that he can support Sunggyu._

 

_“3, 2, 1. Cut. Perfect! I think we can wrap it up now.”_

 

_Myungsoo smiles and runs over to Sunggyu, who takes Myungsoo’s hands in his own._

 

_“You know I’m…bad with words, but I just want you to know that it means a lot to me that you’re doing this.”_

 

_Myungsoo hugs Sunggyu and whispers the words “I know.”_

 

\---

 

He still doesn’t know what had happened.

 

One minute, life was beautiful. Everything was perfect. He was living with Sunggyu, and everything was  _right_. But the next thing he knows, Sunggyu tells him that he wants him gone from his apartment.

 

_“I think you need to leave in order to find yourself. You can’t stay 21 forever. You need to figure out what the ‘you’ in your thirties is like. And staying with me will keep you at 21.”_

 

He wonders why it was so sudden. Things were going according to plan – he had talked to Sungyeol and Sungjong, and neither of them had seemed to have a grudge on him anymore. Sungjong had introduced his girlfriend, and Sungyeol welcomed him back with open arms. It seemed that they had all been talking amongst each other though – Sungyeol and Sungjong both knew what happened with Howon and Dongwoo. Sungyeol had patted him on the back. It was awkward at first, but soon Myungsoo realized that he had his best friend back.

 

He had returned home in high spirits, thinking that the only thing left was to make it up with Woohyun. But the next day Sunggyu told him to leave home.

 

And so here he is in his apartment. Except it’s not really his apartment. He doesn’t recognize the furniture. The photos on display are unfamiliar. Everything seems to be colder and it scares Myungsoo that this is  _his_. The words Sunggyu said to him, his request for Myungsoo to leave, replays over and over again in his head. It doesn’t help that he frequently has dreams of what could have been – recording a music video for Sunggyu, starring in various sitcoms alongside touring Japan, living in the dorm with the others until they all grew old together. It was painful to think that something he wanted was so different from the reality of how things turned out.

 

With a heavy heart, Myungsoo explores his apartment thoroughly. Every single thing he finds just seems to reiterate what a cold-hearted person he had become. But it isn’t until he comes across a locked room that he feels that there may be more to the story that he thinks. He takes out the bunch of keys that he finds, and tries the keys one by one.

 

The last key makes the lock make a clicking sound, and Myungsoo slowly swings the door open. Myungsoo stares in disbelief as he is hit with bursts of color. Posters of Infinite, and the members of Infinite after the split are hung on the walls. Packages of gifts from fans that Myungsoo still recognizes, gifts from when he was still a part of Infinite, are scattered on the floor. Photos of him and the other members are neatly pinned onto a bulletin board that sits on the desk. None of the photos are recent, but it warms Myungsoo from head to toe to know that at least he kept the photos. He had been on the brink of believing that he strayed far away from where he used to be, from the person he once was. But this room showed him that deep down, he was always Kim Myungsoo. He had just become better at hiding that part of him, buried deep down.

 

He quickly takes out his phone, and presses one on speed dial.

 

“Sunggyu hyung? I need you to come over.”

 

\---

 

Sunggyu looks tired when Myungsoo welcomes him at the door, but Myungsoo still releases a breath of relief as he sees the man in front of him. He reaches out to grab Sunggyu’s arm, but Sunggyu hand jerks away. Myungsoo frowns slightly, and lets his extended arm fall back down to his own side.

 

“You said you made some mind-blowing discovery and you needed me here?”

“Yes. Hyung, follow me.”

 

Myungsoo leads Sunggyu to the room, the room that proves that what they thought about Myungsoo disappearing heartlessly wasn’t entirely true. Sunggyu eyes widen in shock and he takes in everything. He walks around and touches everything silently, but Myungsoo can see that he’s touched by the amount of stuff in there. There are posters from all 5 solo projects that Sunggyu had released, and the CDs, in mint condition, are displayed proudly on a bookcase. Myungsoo picks up a copy of their first album, Come Back Again, and smiles as he sees the messages. They had autographed the CD with messages from the members to the future Myungsoo.

 

A tear rolls down Myungsoo’s cheek as he reads Sunggyu’s words for him, written so many years ago with the optimism of boys that just debuted.

 

_Myungsoo-ah! I love you, you know that right? I may not always show it, but you’re one member I’d hate to live without. Be strong, and achieve all your dreams! Future Kim Myungsoo, you’re definitely amazing in every way, and I hope that this will always give you strength to go on. Always remember back to the times we’ve worked hard, and work even harder. I love you!!_

 

He reads the others’ messages, each encouraging in a different way, and he feels a hand on his shoulder. His vision suddenly becomes blurry as Sunggyu pulls him into a hug. He is a little embarrassed at how emotional he is, but seeing all these things being kept means so much. Although he has been trying to figure things out and fix things with the other members, the guilt that he caused everything to fade, to make Infinite very finite, had been gnawing at him. Sunggyu pats his back soothingly, and Myungsoo closes his eyes.

 

For the first time in a long time, he feels more comfortable in his own skin.


End file.
